Trusting the Goodness - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

Trusting and letting go and being assured that you will be ok in the end is a tough thing to do - especially when it comes to major decisions in your life. For people who like to have things planned, organized and controlled, this is a particularly big one.

My life has been in a state of flux the last few months regarding the next stage of my life. Lots of decisions to be made, and not enough information to make the decisions; so many things to do and not enough hours in the day to do them, while the clock ticks inexorably to the deadline in a few days...

For a while, I was stressed out about not having enough information to make decisions I needed to. This stress began to manifest itself psychosomatically, which is not a cool thing. But I went to bed one day resolved to feel better the next morning. I had to do one of my "attitude adjustments". In the process, it came to me that I had been in this position many times in my life and things always worked out somehow.  Besides, what else could I do? There was no point worrying over elements I could not control. I had to center myself, reaching deep inside to the lesson I have learnt many times: things will be ok.

I once heard somewhere that if you can't solve it, it isn't a problem - it's reality. It brings to mind the Serenity Prayer and a quote my friend posted on Facebook: "Sometimes we need to stop planning the future, stop trying to figure out precisly how we feel, stop deciding with our mind what we want our heart to feel. Sometimes we just have to live in the flow". Living in the flow of life is a wonderful way to live, but takes conscious effort on our part to keep us on track, as I had to learn once again. Not living in the flow of life is like trying to swim against the current, cutting against the grain. But living in the flow of life requires a great deal of trust; a complete faith in the process; an unquestioned belief that things will work out just the way they are meant to be - and however that works out...IS OK. And like I have said in several previous posts, no situation is intrinsically good or bad - it is the interpretation we put on them that make them good or bad for us.


We are conditioned to believe that we need to make things happen in our life and we want instant results. And as a person who believes in being the author of my life, I am constantly creating the story that is my life. But I also do know that sometimes I need to surrender. The secret and the reality, however, is that by surrendering, we do not abdicate authorship of our life; we do not relinquish control. Surrender requires a LOT more strength than trying to control things that we have no control over. Surrender is not a giving up, but a giving in - giving in to the goodness that is ours for the taking. Surrender is a conscious decision to make room for goodness in our life and all we are really doing is stepping out of our own way.


“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next.  Delicious Ambiguity.” ― Gilda Radner

Life is Hard...And Then You Die - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

Life is hard. And then you die. The title of this post may sound rather pessimistic, but it's not. Perhaps it got your attention.  (And for the technical nit pickers: forgive my use of 'hard' instead of 'difficult' in this post - it just sounds better here!)

It's often said that the two things that are certain in life are death and taxes - let me add a third: tough times. Everyone goes through some tough times regardless of one's station in life, financial stability, or optimism. I know I've had my share of them. It is very easy in life to get frustrated because sometimes things don't work out as we expect.

Ownership - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

It's amusing to watch kids even in pre-school fight over toys crying, "It's mine, it's mine!" tugging at whatever toy both got their attention and their right of ownership. Due to some very interesting socialization process, we teach kids a sense of ownership. It's my toy; my bed; my mummy; my whatever it is. As adults, we extend that to people as well.

I am - as you might imagine - very much into the finer things in life. I've always been. I've always been about exclusivity and being unique. Even as a boy, my mother always knew to get me something that was different from whatever she got for my brothers. It had to be mine - I wouldn't be caught dead in anything that could be mistaken for someone else's!

But a strange thing happened to me as I grew up. Years ago, I woke up one day to find that my car had been broken into in the driveway of my house. The stereo was taken and some other bits and bobs that I can't remember. I felt violated and angry, and also, very vulnerable. Reflecting on the events of the day and my emotions in response, I realized that these things taken away from me were just stuff. Yes, I was upset and feeling vulnerable, but it was because someone else had taken my stuff. Although the gaping hole where my car stereo had been ripped out reminded me of the atrocious act (yes, I'm being dramatic!), I made my peace when I disconnected myself from my ownership of the physical object. I had to let go.

My friend Ken Goldstein puts it very well in his new book "The Way of The Nerd": "Ownership attaches an emotion and an expectation. Expectation leads to conflict in most every situation".

We consider our romantic partners as 'ours' and so a breakup is so much more painful not because of the fact that we loved (and probably still love) them, but because we feel they had no right to take away what we considered ours. And this is amplified if a third party was involved. We cannot claim ownership of the people in our life.

A thought that brings the concept of ownership sharply into focus is that we cannot lose something we do not own. But even more importantly, no one will steal something you do not own. It's like a reverse self-fulfilling prophecy: if you don't own it, no one will steal it. Isn't that freeing? For me, it makes me sleep easier at night without fearing that my stuff will be taken. The stuff is replaceable. For the stuff I paid for, I paid for the use of it while I'm here. I came into this world kicking and screaming and with absolutely nothing - not even the clothes on my back. And I will leave without any of it as well.

I like my fine stuff. But I own none of it.

God Isn't Who I Thought He Was - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

It just hit me the other day that God isn't who I thought He was. I'm not sure what went wrong along the way, but I was given a heavy dose of the wrong God. And no, it is not because someone decided to misinform me - because everyone that has crossed my spiritual path has had the best of intentions.

God Then...

I was raised Catholic, went to a Catholic grade school and became the Catholic Chapel Prefect in high school and nearly went to seminary. I joined the Scripture Union at school, started a youth group in my parish, organized Bible study, gospel concerts...I was on fire.

I have no less fervor now than I did then, but my focus is now more inward than outward. My slant is more spiritual than religious. The outward appearances of self-righteousness no longer impress me. I still love the pomp and pageantry, but I realize that the God I came to believe in, had been commercialized, dressed up, and paid mere lip service. Indeed, the God I came to believe in was no more than a human fabrication, created to control people, and very successfully too.

I began a search some years ago that made me see God in a whole new light and the vision is incredibly stunning. Unfortunately, religion has covered all of that simple beauty with a lot of ritual, dogma and rules. I used to believe in a God that was watching everything you did, waiting to punish you now or later for eternity, but with a veneer of love thrown in for good measure. The God I used to believe in, was to be feared. I had to believe in him, or else...

I found that men had tried to put God in a nice little box that made it easier for them to comprehend Him. What happened was that we put limitations on God. We ascribed human emotions and thought processes to Her, and related to Him on that level. We assigned a gender that made God male because that was what a patriarchal society could accept, and our language could only support a male or female gender. The God I knew before was nothing but a human construct, made in the image of man.

God Now...

Now, more than ever, I realize God is love. Now, more than ever, I feel God within me, and I feel a part of God. Now I understand that with God's gift of free will, I am a co-creator with Her each waking moment. I am a part of God, an extension of God...I am God. To fully experience God, I have to be open-minded and refrain from projecting my human limitations unto The One Spirit, and yes, let God be God.

God sees me no differently than He sees you and neither should I. God wants us to love Him of our own free will and not because of some threat of fire and brimstone. God, by whatever name we refer to Her is not Christian. Neither is He Buddhist or Muslim or Hindu. God just is. Religion pits us one against the other, creating an environment of "us versus them", each trying to claim exclusive right to God. There is more than enough God to go around! A statement made by a pastor in the movie Children of God put this in stark perspective for me: "We have to give people something to hate. It brings them together..." Now let that sink in for a moment.... It isn't so openly acknowledged, but isn't that what religion tends to do? Fortunately it is people who create the problem, not religion.

There are no exclusions in God's love. No ifs, buts or whys. God's love has no strings attached; no conditions. My faith is no longer determined by scriptural texts conveniently selected by humans to suit their purposes. God's love for me is not predicated upon anything I do or don't do. I no longer beat myself up for not being able to measure up to man-made rules made in God's name - She loves me just the way I am. My job and duty is to spread His love in everything I do.

I have learned that God really doesn't care if you call Her Allah, the Universe, Mother Nature, God, Adi Purush, Waheguru, Elohim, use a male or female pronoun, or paint Him white, black or brown. What God does care about is that you love your neighbor as yourself. You cannot claim to love God if you are selective about which neighbor you will love, or under what conditions you will love them. Subsequently, you cannot love your neighbor if you don't love yourself. It's a simple as that!

I still attend Mass, but I worship with a new sense of freedom and an entirely new perspective. 

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Envy and Jealousy - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

I think I am pretty weird when it comes to jealousy, especially in the context of relationships. I know many people who subscribe to the thoughts of St. Augustine: "He that is not jealous is not in love". I have a fundamental problem with that because of what it suggests. The quotation that somewhat expresses my sentiments is by François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld: "In jealousy there is more self-love than love". 


Jealousy involves three parties: you, a person you see as a rival, and something, or somebody you desire. With jealousy, your focus is more on the object of desire than your rival. When you are jealous, you are afraid you could lose that thing or person to your rival because of an inadequacy you perceive yourself to have. In a sense, it says "if I can't have him, you shouldn't either", which connotes some element of malice. But more importantly, it says, "I think you are better qualified than I to have the object of my desire", which connotes a feeling of inadequacy and a lack of self worth. The other side of the coin, where a person expects to be jealously guarded also suggests feelings of insecurity since the person's feelings of self-worth are predicated upon someone else's actions.


Envy, on the other hand, as Aristotle describes it, is "pain at the good fortune of others" even though it does not take anything away from what you already have. It is one of the 'seven deadly sins'. Envy is when you wish you had, or want something that someone else has, or when you think: "why should they have this and not me?", but there is no impending loss. With envy, because the focus is more on the rival than the object of desire, if that good fortune went to someone else, the feeling of envy would die out. Envy occurs when your standard of self-worth is defined by how it compares to others. Taken further, it can be the dislike of another's well being or good fortune because they are not deserving of it, in our sole (and not so humble) opinion.


I don't consider myself jealous. Indeed my love has been called into question on occasion because of  my lack of jealous inclinations. But I have realized that I cannot hold on to another's affections - like an egg, if you don't hold it tight enough, you will lose it; and if hold on too tightly you will break it. Jealousy also engenders suspicion, which, in turn erodes the foundation of trust that relationships are built on, and eventually, like a house of cards, the relationship comes crashing down. Suspicion makes one look for reasons to question another's loyalty, and, in most cases, you will eventually find what you've been looking for - akin to a self-fulfilling prophecy. 


I have learnt that while I hope my relationship with the person I love will last forever, I cannot control the other person's feelings or actions. I am with them because they choose to be with me and that is my blessing and good fortune. I cannot say I will not be hurt, disappointed and even angry if they decided not to be with me, but I will understand that it is their prerogative and sole right to decide who they will be with; a right I have as well. 


I think benign envy is par for the course because of our innate desires and the pursuit of life, liberty and happiness. We will always see someone with something that we wished we had. I know I do. Will I cut them for it? Absolutely not. I will be happy for them but it will spur me on to be in the position to be get what they have that I like.


I can understand envy, but I despise jealousy in any form because it is a sign of weakness and tells me so much about the person it is coming from. Jealousy, in my opinion is not attractive and screams "Extra Baggage - Beware!" and all its attendant abandonment issues, and I shy away from such energy. But I also realize that for many people, they need to see some element of jealousy to make them feel wanted and desired. 


There is an Arab saying that goes: "Love sees sharply, hatred sees even more sharply, but jealousy sees the sharpest, for it is love and hate at the same time..."


Something to think about.

Forgiveness - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

In my country of origin Ghana, a phrase that is oft-repeated is "forgive and forget". Ghanaians are generally a non-confrontational people, but I have wondered if the concept of forgiveness has really been understood.

Just about everyone of us has been hurt by someone else's words or actions (or inaction). It could close friends, family or someone we were romantically involved with. Whatever they said or did probably made us hurt, angry, resentful, or betrayed the trust we had in them. In 40 years, I've had my share of them!

To forgive the actions of another means making a conscious choice to release yourself of the anger, resentment and thoughts of revenge. It doesn't just happen. Notice I said releasing yourself, not the other person. Forgiveness does not make what the other person did okay. It does not imply making excuses for what they did. You don't need to tell them they are forgiven to make the forgiveness effective. Forgiveness is a way to rid yourself of negative emotions so you can make room for more positive energy. Forgiveness, in a sense, is more about you than it is about the other person. It is about keeping you in a state of peace.

Forgiveness puts the controls back into your hands. When you forgive, you transition from being a victim to being the hero of your life. You may not have had control over the other person's actions, but you have control over what you do with your emotions and your life after that. Whether you choose to be consumed in the bitterness, resentment and anger caused by someone else, or you choose to disentangle yourself from all of that negativity, the choice is ultimately yours. For many people, unfortunately, the latter is easier to do.

Now, forgiving is not a magic wand that makes the pain and hurt go away! Far from it. It is a paradigm shift in your attitude that frees you from the negativity and helps you move on in life with less baggage. The hurt might take some time to heal, but the anger and thoughts of revenge will dissipate. It is surprising how many people carry the resentments of past relationships into new ones and poison them. The resentment is often so deeply buried they do not even know it exists, but it lurks in the shadows, secreting its venom surreptitiously....

Forgiveness does not necessarily mean your relationship with the other person will be reconciled. I have usually made an effort to reconcile those relationships, but reconciliation is not always possible, or even appropriate. It is difficult to reconcile such relationships if the other person accepts no responsibility for their actions that hurt you, or if they refuse to talk to you, of if they died. Forgiveness is not dependent on reconciliation.

Sometimes the person who needs forgiveness is you. For many years after my father died, I held on to the anger that I was not there when he passed away, as was the rest of the family. With a limited phone network and an almost non existent ambulance service, I had to physically go and get help. He asked me not to go, but I wasn't about to stand by and do nothing. I even left my wallet and had to come back home. I was at the doctor's when my brother called me and said, "Don't worry, it's over..." Many years later I realized I had to forgive myself and I did. I still feel the sadness and hurt, but it's no longer angry. I miss my father and wished I was there when he took his last breath, but I can now embrace that sadness.

My process of forgiving has involved writing a letter addressed to the other person venting my feelings. Once I'm done I read it over (I'm often amazed at my emotions), and with the letter in my hand, I close my eyes and begin deep breathing exercises, breathing in forgiveness and releasing all my anger into the letter. When I feel relaxed and rid of my anger, I burn the letter and watch my anger go up in flames...

Who do you need to forgive today?

Listening - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

I've always been told I'm a good listener. I enjoy listening to people's stories - stories of triumph, joy, sadness or pain. Admittedly, sometimes I hear more than I need to know or even want to know, but it's par for the course. By listening, I learn so much about human nature and the world around me.

I once heard a speaker talking about the difference between hearing and listening and I found it rather fascinating. It is easy to hear what someone says without really listening to what they have to say. Listening requires active participation - hearing doesn't. You can hear just by virtue of the fact that you have working ears. Listening involves paying attention to words, inflections and tone, as well as reading between the lines to find emotion, context, motive, what is said, and even what is not said. Listening is discovering what is really being said.

Listening requires a genuine desire and interest in what is being said and in the person talking. It requires a willingness to make a meaningful connection with a speaker and their message, and go along on a journey with them. Effective listening will involve keeping an open mind and reserving your judgement, focusing on the message, being engaged in the conversation, and avoiding the urge to be defensive (even if you feel attacked). Yes, to really listen, you need to shut up.

Have you ever been around someone who just seems to love the sound of their own voice and found it difficult to get a word in edgewise? Many of us have at some point. Those situations might have left us wanting to find an excuse just to get away because we felt we were not being recognized - our thoughts were not needed, wanted, or important enough to the other person.

Each one of us wants to feel acknowledged - and listening is a good way to make people feel acknowledged. Everyone wants to feel like they're being heard - listened to. By communicating through the simple act of listening that whatever the other person has to say is important to you, you communicate that the other person is important to you. This creates a shared bond that we all crave and does wonders for all kinds of relationships.

Make someone feel important today. You'll be glad you did.

Striving for Perfection - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

Perfection is overrated.

As a producer of live shows, and commercials at 24 years of age, I used to be what you would call a perfectionist. The shade of a color had to be exact; the crease on a drape would had to be just-so; the music had to be at a certain decibel level....

You can imagine how frustrated I became and how unhappy I could be, if the slightest nuance was anything other than I had imagined. A whole show could be ruined in my eyes because the host didn't reach the podium at the precise point I wanted in the music. It didn't matter to me that no one in the audience was aware that anything was gone awry.

And this is by no means an ode to mediocrity. I still abhor giving anything that is less than stellar. However, I have found that I can still have very high standards without sweating the small stuff. It's about balance and priorities. Some things are not worth the extra effort if its sole purpose is the achievement of perfection. If at a place-setting, the knife is placed half an inch too far away from the spoon, does it ruin the whole? Will agonizing over that imperfection change anything? Indeed, will making the adjustment add much more to the event? How many people will notice the subtle 'imperfection'? I had to learn what was important and what was not. I'd rather spend my time making sure that the food is at the right temperature and brought in on time and served right, than checking how many inches the knife is from from the spoon...

Too many people accept mediocrity and that is wrong. But then an obsession for perfection is also wrong. I'm all for excellence, but beyond a certain point, the law of diminishing returns sets in, and anything after that is a personal quest for the impossible, because perfection is a moving target. Trying to achieve perfection is like trying to be God. You can come awfully close to it, but you cannot be it. There isn't just a fine line between excellence and perfection - it's a chasm!

As Harriet Braiker put it: "Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing."

Strength of Spirit - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years

Just the other day, I read an email from a reader named Kathie that deeply touched me and reaffirmed my belief in the strength of the human spirit. Even though we only communicated via email, the beauty of her spirit came through, and her story put both a tear in my eye and a smile on my face. With her permission, I share her story.

Kathie was born to a mother with substance abuse problems, and witnessed her mother battered. She was herself sexually abused between the ages of 3 and 7, was a victim of arson, then separated from her siblings and put up for foster care. She was eventually adopted when she was 11. We have heard many horror stories about how people who go through such harrowing experiences at a young age turn out. Not Kathie.

She wrote to me regarding my "40 Things..." post on "Gratitude":

"...the two things that got me through these experiences are forgiveness and gratitude. Even as a child, it was in my DNA to understand that I needed to be grateful for these experiences - not only for the way in which they contributed to who I am today, but because they happened to me and not to someone who couldn't have handled them."


This still makes my eyes well up. This is not just a true story of the attitude of gratitude, but also the triumph of the human spirit. This was the story of one woman who would not let the circumstances of her life situation dictate the trajectory of her life. It is all too easy to blame our life circumstances on our parents, or our hard life, or on someone who was unwilling to help, or some element of society conspiring against our success. It takes a certain stoicism and resilience to push through all that, but it can be done. In an odd sort of way, on the other hand, it requires a peculiar vulnerability and acceptance of the situation, in the same way a reed is more likely to survive an intense storm than an oak tree is.


A little over five years ago, my life changed dramatically overnight and for a moment, I thought my life, as I knew it, was coming to an end. A few days later, after wading through the sea of my despair and confusion, and resolving to make the most of what life I had left, I had my most profound spiritual experience yet. I recall speaking to a psychologist friend and wondering whether I was okay: my exhilarating feeling of joy seemed terribly out of place in my circumstances.   I had to know I wasn't loosing my marbles! What happened was that I opened myself to peace once I stopped fighting and surrendered - hence my indescribable joy. I eventually realized that, ironically, small things get me more worked up than major life upheavals - once I discovered the strength in me. That is what brought me to this point.


Echoing what Kathie said to me in her email, if you are brought to the situation, you will be brought through the situation with the attitude of gratitude and a generous helping of forgiveness, even if it is only forgiving yourself. Like her, I have learnt that the human spirit is indomitable and incredibly elastic; bouncing back eventually and bouncing back stronger. Just like intense heat refines precious metals, intense situations refine precious spirits - yours included.


My sincere thanks to Kathie for inspiring this piece!


Once again, your comments and stories are welcome. Stay blessed.

Tolerance - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years

Permit me to get on a soapbox today. I just watched a TV series that rubbed me the wrong way and for all the wrong reasons. There was nothing wrong the the episode I watched in anyway, except that, as art imitating life, it put into perspective one of my pet peeves.

Part of the episode included the beating of a young man by three other males because he was gay and how his four friends each reacted to the startling reminder of their vulnerability. I felt a melange of emotions so raw I surprised myself, since I am not given to particularly strong emotions. I felt deep sorrow, seething rage, utter disgust and a primal urge to scream.

Violence of any sort upsets me. Violence against any kind of minority enrages me. Regarding this TV show episode, the person who was beaten (I refuse to use the word 'victim'), was minding his own business at a gas station and made no threatening gestures; used no threatening words. So why was he attacked?

But much as we would like to wish it away as some misguided, ignorant individuals who couldn't possibly count among our circle of friends, I beg to differ. Those three men represent us in some form or fashion, to some degree. It may not be expressed as outwardly or violently, and it may not be against gay people, but we look at people who are different from us in some way, through the prism of our prejudice. And prejudice is a result of ignorance. Unfortunately, even religions adopt an 'us-versus-them' attitude.

We hurt people in subtle ways because of their skin color, hair color, height, race, religious beliefs, sexual orientation and identity, their bank accounts (or lack thereof), their size and a host of other factors. The absence of action, is, in itself, an action. You may not go around bashing people physically, but are you doing anything to make things better? Are we so insecure about ourselves that we have to bring others down to feel better about ourselves and the cocoons we have created for ourselves?

"The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority." - Ralph W. Sockman

As one who has lived in, and visited many countries, and as one one who has been on both sides of the minority-majority divide, I know that we all want the same things. We all want to love and be loved, whether we are the oppressors or the oppressed, yet we cannot see beyond our noses to find the inextricable bond that we share. One of my favorite songs is Colors of the Wind, from Disney's Pocahontas, and my favorite verse there goes:

"You think the only people who are people

Are the people who look and think like you

But if you walk the footsteps of a stranger, 

you'll find things you never knew you never knew..."

If there is one thing I've learnt in 40 years, it is tolerance. Let's make a pact today to teach our kids to be tolerant. The world doesn't need any more hatred of any sort. In the words of Rodney King: "Can we all get along?" A difference in opinion or perspective on life is not equivalent to being an enemy. Remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I will now get off my soapbox. Thank you for reading.

Smile - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years

Joy and pain are two feelings things that are understood just about anywhere in the world. A subset of joy is the smile - a simple facial expression that shows happiness, pleasure or amusement.

After traveling to more than twenty countries in four continents, I can confidently say that barring some cultural nuances, a smile is generally internationally understood and acknowledged. Smile, and, indeed, the world smiles with you.

A song that puts both a smile and a tear on my face is Smile, a standard that was originally recorded for Charlie Chaplin:


Smile though your heart is aching 
Smile even though it's breaking 
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by 
If you smile through your fear and sorrow 
Smile and maybe tomorrow 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you...


I have seen how people are positively affected by a simple smile. There've been times I have flashed a smile to a surly waiter or receptionist and gotten better service. A smile announces that you bring good energy and a positive spirit.


But a smile is good for us as well. I can only speak from experience, but I'm sure many can relate. A smile puts me in a good mood if I'm able to push through what I'm feeling. I've been told by some that they find my smile attractive (I say 'thank you'). We are all attracted to people who smile, and a smile actually makes you more attractive - and that goes a long way in boosting sex appeal! Scientists also say it helps your immune system, lowers your blood pressure, relieves stress, and all sorts of other good stuff.  Now, if those aren't good enough reasons, smiling actually makes you appear more confident and successful....


So smile some more to look younger, feel younger and live longer - it couldn't hurt - and put a smile on someone else's face today!

The Attitude of Gratitude - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years

Sometimes when we feel like we are at the lowest points in our life, it seems impossible to be grateful for anything. How can anyone find anything good about misfortune or tragedy?

Japanese author Daisetsu Teitaro Suzuki writes of a zen teacher telling the story of a monk who was being chased by a tiger and climbs over the edge of a cliff, hanging on a vine to avoid the tiger. Looking down, the monk finds a lot more tigers down below waiting to pounce on him if he landed. Caught almost literally between a rock and a hard place, he sees a strawberry on the vine, smiles and thankfully reaches out and pops the strawberry in his mouth.

What has the strawberry go to do with the danger the monk was in? Nothing and everything. What it tells us is that the monk was living in the moment. He was not so consumed by the danger that lay before or behind him that the strawberry became insignificant. He was present enough to notice the ripe juiciness of the strawberry. He didn't lose his appetite over his danger.

That's what gratitude does. Gratitude is like a pair of spectacles we wear that help us focus on what we have and blurs out what we don't have. It opens our eyes to see that there always is something to be thankful for.

I haven't always seen things that way in my times of despair, but when I have practiced having the attitude of gratitude I have seen the results in amazing ways. My problems have seemed to recede to the background and I have been able to be present and enjoy my moments.

Holding on to what's wrong in your current life situation (not your life), is like having a clenched fist. You cannot accept any goodness because you're closed. Gratitude is like letting go and opening up. In that moment you become alive, open to all the amazing sensations and nuances of your life.

From the zen teacher's perspective in Suzuki's story, "You can't be alive if you are living in fear, and if you're living in fear you can't see and experience life; the magnificence of your life that is right in front of you in each moment."

Try it and watch the goodness come flowing in.

Do you have any gratitude stories? Don't keep them to yourself! Share them here.

Love and Fear - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years

I often tell people that almost every action we take can be boiled down to one of two emotions: love or fear. After moving to the United States, I began to notice how much people's lives were dictated by fear. The news is filled with stories on some harm that someone has carried out against another; natural disasters and  threats of impending disasters; new medical information that shows how we're all going to die prematurely, and new-fangled elixirs purporting to be the fountain of youth. Indeed, to watch the news dispassionately, one would come to the conclusion that we were all going to hell in a hand-basket one way or another.

We live our lives looking out for burglars, pedophiles and sexual predators, backstabbing colleagues, envious friends, ruthless bosses, manipulative spouses, unfaithful partners, greedy corporations, and...I'm out of breath!

I've learnt that if you look for negatives, you will find them. If you look for evil, it will find you. This is not to say evil does not exist. I am not so naive as to suppose bad people do not exist. Indeed, they are everywhere. But I also believe people are innately good and people relate to us based on a host of non-physical, non-observable factors.

If you think of yourself as a radio, you will get the programming available on the particular frequency you choose. I choose to tune in to positive frequencies and minimize the static on my channel. I think it is courageous to make an informed decision to trust people until given a reason not to. Many times I have had to remind myself how good it feels to trust that I am safe and I will be fine. Life is good.

As a leader, I'd rather be respected and trusted than feared. Leading by fear is a reflection of the leaders own fear. If I put out positive energy, I make my little light shine to make the world a better place and reduce the stress in my life. Love works better than fear.

This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine,
This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine....

That little light is the beauty that comes from within. Try it.

Experience the New - 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 Years

I've heard people say you should try something new everyday. I've never been good at keeping track of that, or, more importantly, making that happen. I do, however, try to have a totally new experience every month. This month, I want to learn scuba diving - thank goodness for options like Groupon and LivingSocial. Last month, I went parasailing. Again. I'd love to go swimming with sharks.

Ever wondered why as you grow older, time seems to go faster and faster? A very interesting correlation has been found between having new experiences - or the lack thereof - and one's perception of the passage of time. When you surround yourself with the familiar and remain within your comfort zone, the brain doesn't need to do much work. It quickly processes the information and moves on. When new information is received, it has to process the new information, which slows it down - and slows down your perception of time. A quote from David Eagleman, a neuroscientist who studies the effects of the brain's perception of time summarizes it well:
"The more familiar the world becomes, the less information your brain writes down, and the more quickly time seems to pass. "Time is this rubbery thing...it stretches out when you really turn your brain resources on, and when you say, ‘Oh, I got this, everything is as expected,' it shrinks up."

(I recommend Adam Dachis' post: Why New Experiences Are Important and How They Positively Affect Your Perception of Time for a short read, but if you have time you will find The Possibilian, a profile of David Eagleman extremely fascinating.)

A new experience doesn't have to be some dramatic new event that shakes your world in ways you never thought possible. It could be driving down a road in a direction you've never explored before; trying a cuisine that you haven't thought to try before; attending a class to learn something new, trying a crossword puzzle, or walking on the treadmill backwards! Actually, a simple action like walking backwards can help improve your memory skills...go figure.

So go on and try something new and get grip on the reins of time. And while you're at it, remember to enjoy the experience. Go ahead!

Breathe! 40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years

I was surprised to find out in a yoga class how much I was NOT breathing. Of course, I breathe, thought I - I don't even have to think about it. But that was the problem, I realized. I was so consumed with everyday living that I failed to notice that my breathing had become more shallow over the years.

If you watch a baby breathing, they take deep breaths and fill their lungs with air and release. As humans, we are hard-wired to have a fight or flight reaction to any stressors and our breathing becomes more shallow as a result. As we grow older, and with more stressors, our breathing gets less and less relaxed. This means less oxygen to the blood and the body has to work harder, putting even more stress on it and we get ill as a result. A lot of heart diseases could be averted with proper breathing techniques. Deep breathing increases the oxygen intake and slows down the heart rate.

But this is not just about the action of breathing. It really is about slowing down. We live in such an 'instamatic' world that everything needs to be done better and faster. We are moving through this world at dizzying speeds with nary a pause for a swig of water or a tire change. We work longer days than we did 50 years ago; we are bombarded by a myriad stimuli every waking moment and because everything moves so much faster, we try to get in in a lot more each day.

I've learnt that sometimes we all need to renew our spirit. Take time to really breathe; smell the roses; meditate - whatever name you choose to call it. The opening line of Max Ehrmann's Desiderata - one of the most succinct guides for living - says: "Go placidly amid the noise and haste and remember what peace there may be in silence..."

40 Things I've Learnt in 40 years - Introduction

Today, I begin the countdown to my 40th birthday. I believe I have been celebrating this all year, and will continue to do so after my birthday - but I thought I'd share my thoughts with you as I go through this journey. I encourage you to send me feedback - whether it's your own experiences, your thoughts on what I have to say, and if you disagree with anything, I'd love to hear that too!

I have on many occasions taken stock of my life and it has helped me recalibrate my direction in life. My overriding desire is to live the life I love and love the life I live. I have always been inspired by beauty, design, experiences and even a sense of fantasy. It is also a great joy to be able to bring people together to share this beauty and joy, because I believe we are all connected in some way on some spiritual level, regardless of our personal religious or spiritual beliefs.

So what does it mean to me to be turning 40?

• Like wine, I think I've gotten better with age. Now I know better.
• I'm actually quite happy to be turning 40. Surprisingly.
• It feels great to be 40 and not feel old.
• When people tell me I look good for my age (thank you very much, by the way), I think that's the way people should look at 40!
• I would have liked to have kids, but look at it this way: I can borrow kids and send them back when I'm tired of them! Ha!

Whatever your age, I hope you will be able to connect with my experiences in some way and share it with others too. I've been 40 years in the making and I am delighted that I am a work in progress, so I look forward to hearing from you as well. This could be much fun!

Watch this space for my updates. The first installment begins tomorrow.

Let the countdown begin.

Finding Big Messages in the Small Things

Photo credit: antemortemarts.com

On a recent trip back home, I decided to put myself to use and help my mother de-clutter her home - and in particular, a certain room dividing unit - a la Oprah. You see, mother, bless her heart, loves to keep all sorts of objects as souvenirs and mementoes of bygone years. In this piece of furniture, I found all sorts of things I had no idea she had - class registers from when she run a pre-school, circulars, baby shower and engagement party favors and so much more. As I carefully wrapped and boxed away the fragile objects it seemed like there had been more that I boxed than this cabinet was capable of holding. When it came to the things in the 'throw away' pile, my heart went out to this cabinet!

The cabinet, along with the furniture in the house, holds a very dear place in the story of my family. They were a symbol of overcoming. After my father lost his job as a diplomat, our fortunes changed rather dramatically and we lived a very frugal lifestyle until my father got another job many years later. Changing the furniture, for us, was a new start for us. We were Ponce again able to buy furniture, albeit cheap, but it was very symbolic. As I unloaded this piece of family history, all of this was not lost on me. I remembered how we proudly picked out objects to put in it. It also had a lot of storage, so it was very useful for tucking away the not-so-nice stuff we didn't want guests seeing.

With everything emptied out of it, the cabinet seemed like a ghost of itself: sagging shelves, peeling veneer, doors that fell off their hinges and joints coming apart. I asked some strapping young men to come help me take it out of the house, but that was unnecessary - the cabinet collapsed with one push. Emptied of all its baggage, the cabinet gave up the ghost like a house of cards. It was a very sad and poignant moment.

It made me think of the parallels in our own lives. We accumulate a lot of baggage over the years and struggle under their weight, but we keep chugging along like the little engine that could. We hold on to a lot of emotions, experiences, and perceptions both negative and positive. Sometimes, this spills over into our physical lives in the form of clutter. We jealously guard them, straining under their pressures, but refusing to let go.

Sometimes it helps to remove ourselves from our attachments and objectively purging ourselves of everything and keeping only that which we need for the way forward. It is always feels good to know we can go back to some object or the memory of an event for comfort, but we should pick wisely. We need to occasionally take inventory of our lives and run an audit to make us leaner and lighter for the journey of life. This may mean changing our attitudes, correcting self-defeating behaviors or forgiveness - forgiving others who may have offended us, but also, believe it or not, forgiving ourselves. We can only love ourselves unconditionally after we forgive ourselves for whatever it is we blame ourselves for. And we can't love another person without loving ourselves first. And we are surprised when our human relationships are painful.

Carrying around our heavy baggage affects not just us as individuals, but also everyone else who shares our life in some way. Without realizing it, and by default, we force others to carry our baggage just as we carry others' baggage whether we realize it or not. That is why sometimes when we feel our loads are too heavy, it's because of the other people's loads we share.

Whatever your clean out is - whether it is forgiveness, changing your attitude to someone or a situation - renewing your spirit makes room for newness and positivity in your life. Much as it hurts to let go of things that have, in some twisted way, provided comfort in the past, it is necessary for our growth and forward movement. Unclench your fists. Let go. Release. Submit to the now.

This is what I learnt in the moment that cabinet folded up with almost no help in my mother's living room. It no longer had to be strong and keep it together. But it had to go to make room for new furniture. Look into your life and find those things you're holding on to that do not serve any real purpose. Release them so you can embrace your new life. Remember, it's a good life!

Inspiring From The Inside Out

 I always think about why I do what I do, why I am The Lifestyle Maven. I don't particularly like writing - though I do a lot of it, I don't care for the way I look on TV and I really wish I could interact with each and every one of you on a personal basis, to see, touch and feel you.

So what motivates me to do what I do? I've always believed in doing what I love to do, especially when it comes to work. But I love to experience everything that life has to offer and it saddens me to see people who don't. My life is full of such rich and wonderful experiences and I enjoy inspiring people to do the same because I believe everyone should have it too.

How I do that is through my blog, e-newspaper, videos and personal appearances. They are the means to an end. I want you to enjoy every bit of your life. In the process, I enjoy life as well and am able to share even more experiences with you. It always fills my heart with joy when I get emails and comments from you. It doesn't matter if it is a critique, a question, or a compliment. All it says to me is that someone is reading, watching, listening somewhere in the world and I have been able to touch someone in some way.

Here is a TED talk by Simon Sinek I stumbled upon which really resonated with me. I hope it inspires you as well.

Warmest wishes,
The Lifestyle Maven